Releasing Expectations
As June draws to a close, I believe it is safe to say that the first six months of 2020 have not been as any of us imagined. Thinking about this recently, it occurred to me that a wisdom we can all salvage from this time is to release expectations.
I came into 2020 with visions and goals for Ageing Gratefully as well as for my personal life. All was going smoothly. Amid great excitement, I officially launched Ageing Gratefully with a beautiful high tea and champagne, followed up with three speaking engagements, all within the month of February. I had more speaking engagements and presentation commitments lined up for March, with the anticipation of fulfilling all my set goals before Easter.
Then Coronavirus struck.
Overnight all my engagements were cancelled and the momentum I was building imploded. It was a surreal time that I know others of you have also experienced.
Initially, the sudden drastic change in lifestyle globally, through isolation and lockdown and amid fears of sickness, led to crushing anxiety and worry for me. I have written a little about it in my blog: https://www.ageinggratefully.com.au/journal/2020/4/1/reflections-on-anxiety-during-a-pandemic
Yet, as I reflect on the past six months, I am able to harvest many pearls from the grit and it once again occurs to me that in the same way that the oyster produces its finest pearls amid discomfort, so have I.
There have been many informative and entertaining webcasts online that I have taken full advantage of. I have rekindled my passion for skin science and treatments, as well as important aspects of women’s health and ageing. I have learned about the economic L-shape we are experiencing and started a new online business. And I am delighted to say I have also joined an international writing group to give me some much-needed accountability for my writing. One of my most heartfelt accomplishments however has been to complete an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist training:
https://www.ageinggratefully.com.au/grief-recovery
I have been able to do all of these things because of this time that I have been forced to be at home, able to connect online. Coming into the New Year, these things had not been on my radar and therefore they have come to me as gifts, with no expectations attached. This is the thing about gifts – they are unexpected.
As I consider all that I had expected to accomplish in the first six months of this year, it is easy for me to fall into disappointment and frustration at what didn’t happen. However, when I consider all the pearls I have been given within this same time period, I am filled with gratefulness for gifts I did not expect. It is all in my perception.
The greater my expectations for anything,
the bigger my disappointment
Another aspect of this that I notice, is that the greater my expectation for anything, the bigger my disappointment. It becomes clear then, that it is better to live without expectation.
How do we do this? How can we possibly live without expectations for the future? I believe it is not so much living without expectations, as living with flexible expectations. We need some assumptions for our future; otherwise we would be like the proverbial ship without a rudder: bobbing about on the sea of life heading in no particular direction. That sounds more frustrating than unmet expectations! Perhaps the secret is not to set our intentions too rigidly. To be flexible enough that we can accept a different outcome with equilibrium and harvest pearls from a situation we had not anticipated.
Many disappointments may also come from the unmet expectations we have of other people. Yet it is our assumptions that we have imposed on them. This means that if we drop these when dealing with others, we will not feel let down if that person fails to respond in the way we hoped. We cannot control how others behave or what they may say, but we can control our own suppositions and response.
Sometimes the expectations we put on ourselves are too high and we are then disappointed with ourselves when we experience the inevitable disappointment. Worse still, we can suppose that other people have certain assumptions about us that we feel we must live up to, so the disappointment is doubled: by the one we feel in ourselves and the imaginary one we suppose others have about us. It is both exhausting and complicated.
I believe there is a simpler way to live – the way that allows for flexible, relaxed expectations and assumptions. It is a surrender to live in the moment, an acceptance and forgiveness of what was and a release of worried future thinking. To be fully present requires us to be alert in the moment, while holding the future loosely with a flexible grip. Being grateful encourages us to live in this manner. It encourages us to enjoy now, knowing that by being thankful in the present, we are setting up future moments with fewer expectations and any associated disappointments.
So, as we move into the second half of 2020, lets harvest all the wisdom we can from what has been, centre ourselves in the present and hold gently our flexible expectations of what is to come.