Overcoming Nostalgia
Memory is a kind servant. Nostalgia can be a cruel master.
I woke up tired this morning. It happens sometimes. What I dislike about this, more than the lethargy, is how vulnerable it makes me feel. Tiredness has the tendency to throw me off-balance and leave me open to an attack of nostalgia.
The home that I shared with my husband is up for sale. It is the only house we ever bought together. Our children were born here and I have lived in this house for over thirty years. This morning a wave of nostalgia brought an ache and a longing for a time that was: The time in my life when it was stable with a routine of family and work life and a sense of security that I took for granted. It is in these precise moments that I become aware of the need to consciously choose to ‘practice what I preach’ and lean into gratitude. I know that if I don’t I will rob myself of the joy that my memories could otherwise give me.
Memories offer us treasures from the past without keeping us trapped there. They are recollections that become a part of our DNA, supporting us as we move forward in life’s journey. Nostalgia, on the other hand, lures us back into the past, while throwing shadows on the present. It encourages us to pine for yesterday and neglect today. It can also make our memories appear more perfect than they actually were at the time. This stimulates us to become dissatisfied and regretful, and robs us of the joy and satisfaction in the now.
Memories offer us treasures from the past without keeping us trapped there.
Living in the past is a dangerous occupation. Unfortunately, it is a habit that can creep up on us in our midyears and especially when life has taken an unexpected route. If our present is not what we expected and requires us to reimagine our future, it is tempting to allow our thoughts to regress to a past that is comfortable in its familiarity. Our minds dwell on a time that we believe was better than the present. This leaves us with a sense of regret and dissatisfaction for our present and future. We tell ourselves we deserve better, that life isn’t meant to be so difficult and we feel irritated. Suddenly we find ourselves living through each day with a sense of resentment. Before we realize what is happening, nostalgia over the past has robbed us of all joy and wonder in the present moment.
This is where I have found the grace of gratitude is transformative. It has been scientifically proven that our minds cannot focus on two paradoxical things at the same time. It is physically impossible to be both resentful and grateful together. Thus, it becomes a conscious choice to pick which emotion we wish to embrace. I decided several years ago that gratefulness was to become my default mechanism. It is a struggle at times to make this decision, especially when I am tired. But I have enough knowledge now that I realize by choosing gratitude, I am choosing to be a more joyful and happy woman. Being this kind of woman is the legacy I have made a conscious decision to leave behind. I want my children, family and friends to remember me in this way. The more I decide to choose gratefulness, the easier it becomes for it to drop into my heart. This way it is not a superficial imagining but a genuine, deep embrace. There is a greater chance that it will truly become a part of the person I am.
We cannot honour our memories through nostalgia. Nostalgia robs us of this. The good news is that gratefulness overcomes the ache and longing of nostalgia. Instead of wishing for a time that was, we become grateful that we experienced it at all. In this way, we open up to the opportunities and wonder of our present day and the new adventures in store for us. For those of us who want to grow in our relationship with God, this is exactly what He wants for us as well. In Isaiah 43:18-19, He said, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Here, God is not only telling us not to dwell in the past, He is telling us instead to become aware of the new things He is doing right now, in our present. If we remain trapped in the past, we will miss the very life-affirming path that He is forging for us.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
The next time you feel yourself aching for a time that was, give gratitude a go. Shift your focus onto what you appreciated back then and how good that felt. Really allow your heart to experience the joy and be grateful for the memory. Then bring yourself back to your present moment, carrying that joy with you. Notice how your emotion attached to your memory has shifted. The memory is now just that, a memory; one to be savoured and honoured, as you carry it with you and embrace the next chapter. Allow yourself to be deeply grateful for that time…and then take a few minutes and jot down some of the things in your present day that you are grateful for. Allow that same sense of joy to linger as you do this. Feel the expansion in your heart and the release of any ache from the past. Do this as often as you need. This is a habit we can all cultivate, if we choose to.